Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer – The Truth Behind the Lies

You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen,
you know Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen,

Sure I know them. They belong to a secret society of elitist reindeer who look down their dark noses at others who don’t fit into their mold of what they consider “perfect” reindeer.

But do you recall?
The most famous reindeer of all?

And thus begins the brain-washing of this emotionally damaged creature…

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
Has a very shiny nose
And if you ever saw it
You would even say it glows.

Even the writer of the song had no qualms with taking pot shots at Rudolphs condition.

All of the other reindeers
Used to laugh and call him names
They never let poor Rudolph
Join in any reindeer games

Those monsters NEVER faced one single iota of retribution for all the hell they put that poor reindeer through.

Then one foggy Christmas Eve,
Santa came to say,

This was after he realized the foglights he ordered from AutoZone were still on backorder.

Rudolph with your nose so bright,
Won’t you guide my sleigh tonight?

Guide your sleigh tonight? Tell me Santa, who was there to guide Rudolph through all those much needed years of psychotherapy as he endured the devastation of being ostracized and bullied due to his birth defects? And now your solution is to perpetuate the North Pole culture that gives preferential treatment to the poor beasts that drag your fat ass all over the planet in one night? Let’s not even get started with how you’re running those sweatshops around the clock with the forced labor of dwarfs whom you’ve convinced are “elves”. I’m sure they’re scared shitless every time they see your jackboots come through the door.

Then all the reindeers loved him,
And they all shouted out with glee,

This is where they realized their years of sucking up to Santa was now going to include one more ass that they were going to have to brown-nose (literally) if they were going to keep their middle management positions within the status quo.

Rudolph the red-nose Reindeer
You’ll go down in history!

Let’s never forget that history is written by the victors, and since Santa bamboozled Rudolph into picking up the slack from there on out, then what we need to ask ourselves is this: Is an eternity of having a whip snapped at your ass really a good thing?

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